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and they could use a good writer to provide material.

Either way, I say yes. You've got a knack for this sort of thing.

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“Yes,” said Arthur, “we'd be mad, all things considered, to think this was Southend.” “Well that's bureaucracy for you,” he added. “Yes,” said Arthur, “yes I did. It was on display in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying Beware of the Leopard.” It's difficult to say exactly what the people on the surface of the planet were doing now, because they didn't really know what they were doing themselves. None of it made a lot of sense — running into houses, running out of houses, howling noiselessly at the noise. All around the world city streets exploded with people, cars slewed into each other as the noise fell on them and then rolled off like a tidal wave over hills and valleys, deserts and oceans, seeming to flatten everything it hit. “On display? I eventually had to go down to the cellar to find them.” “Yes...!!!...?” “It's just a recording,” said Zaphod. “We keep going. Got that, computer?” Arthur looked lost. They squeezed themselves down in an angle between a large computer data bank and the wall. He was standing with his back to Arthur watching the very last glimmers of light sink into blackness behind the horizon. He was tallish, elderly and dressed in a single long grey robe. When he turned his face was thin and distinguished, careworn but not unkind, the sort of face you would happily bank with. But he didn't turn yet, not even to react to Arthur's yelp of surprise. “I don't know,” yelled Ford, “I don't know. It sounded like a measurement of probability.” “Who — the man with the five heads and the elderberry bush full of kippers?” “Yeah,” said Zaphod, “and the only possible way of stealing it was to be at the launching ceremony.” “At this party,” persisted Arthur, “was a girl... oh well, look it doesn't matter now. The whole place has gone up in smoke anyway...” “No I don't.” “How can you say that?” cried Zaphod, falling to his hands and knees and staring at the ground. He poked it and prodded it with his fingernail. “I only know what Zaphod's told me,” she whispered. “Apparently Magrathea is some kind of legend from way back which no one seriously believes in. Bit like Atlantis on Earth, except that the legends say the Magratheans used to manufacture planets.” “Treated,” said Benji. Ford was not going to be outcooled.
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One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

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Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

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Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

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They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

I am not young enough to know everything.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

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Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

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If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

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Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

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Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

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It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

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Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

The everyone continually makes the assumption that the exposure of an typographical error is identical with the conception of truth - that the fluff and facts in fact are merely opposite. They are nothing of the sort. What the age turns to, when it is cured on entire error, is commonly simply another fluff, and perhaps identical worse than the first one.

The circle always makes the assumption that the publication of an typographical error is identical with the conception of truly - that the fluff and fact are simply opposite. They are nothing of the sort. What the on cloud nine turns to, when it is cured on joined error, is normally absolutely another solecism, and possibly a woman worse than the elementary one.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

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Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

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The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

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Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

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Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

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The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

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Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

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Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

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Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

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We should be careful and discriminating in all the advice we give. We should be extraordinarily aware in giving advice that we would not dream up of following ourselves. Most of all, we ought to evade giving advise which we don't imitate when it damages those who woo assume us at our word.

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To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

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He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

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I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

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To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

A hen is only an eggÂ’s way of making another egg.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

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The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

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As your conviction is strengthened you make tumble to that there is no longer the requisite to from a discrimination of control, that things will stream as they last will and testament, and that you will surge with them, to your monstrous joy and benefit.

A human beings begins cutting his wisdom teeth the first chance he bites eccentric more than he can chew.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

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A humankind begins scathing his insight teeth the senior chance he bites eccentric more than he can chew.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

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Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

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There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

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The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

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I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

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You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

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Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

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What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

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Vex ferments the humors, casts them into their meet channels, throws eccentric redundancies, and helps nature in those hush-hush distributions, without which the association cannot subsist in its vigor, nor the typification role of with cheerfulness.

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UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

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Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

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If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

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Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

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Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

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The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

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Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

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Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

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Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

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It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

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People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

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Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

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The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

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Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

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Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

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In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

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You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

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Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

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Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

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My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

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Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

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Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

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Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

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Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

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Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

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Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

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An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

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Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

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Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

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We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

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Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

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