Alex In Wonderland

A Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn celibrates Christmas

"I want to see a reindeer. Nanny and grandad said I could see one." I felt like this festive season I had inherited Verucca Salt. I glared at Star and decided to take her to a petting zoo. Bound to have one of the buggers there I thought.

So I duely parted with my hard earned cash and took her inside. Looking at the usual motely collection of flea bitten animals we quickly made our way to the reindeer enclosure. "Look Star, Rudolph and his friends." Suddenly the reindeer nearest to us fell over. Star looked at it. I looked at it too. Animals usally fled from her, not fell over. "It's erm, asleep. Yes. Asleep." We looked at another and it too fell over. I looked at Star, worried she had developed another power over animals when suddenly she said "Look! It's that funny man again."

"Glenn!!! What the hell are you doing in that reindeer enclosure? And what's that in you hands? A tazer? You sick son of..."

"DADDY! That's a nughty word!"

"Hehehehehe!" cackled Glen, fleeing past me again.

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The Conference of Evil looked suitably impressed. "How many reindeer did you manage to get then Glenn?"

*Belch* "Well, after running out of bullets for my hunting rifle (and believe me there is some mighty fine eating on a reindeer) about 5000 or so."

More polite applause came from the crowd. "Anything else to add to this Glenn?"

"Oh yes... listen on."

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"I want to see santa. My nanny and grandad said..." My blood boiled. Hands clenched and unclenched. I could see me needing therapy by the end of the festive season. Humbug! Scrouge was right. But what is this I spied? A grotto? Aha! Dragging Star over to it the first thing I noticed was that children were leaving the grotto crying. Maybe they were disappointed in not getting their present there and then?

Slowly we made our way to the front of the queue. Upon entering the grotto there was a very grumpy looking lady muttering something about being a legal secretary, not one of Santa's little helpers. The grotto itself was lit in an eiree red and orange effect and looked more like hell...

"Heh. I mean come in little pet, ahem, girl and sit upon my knee."

"Look daddy. It's that strange man again."

"Glenn? That's the worst santa costume ever!" Glenn sat there with a red velvet curtain draped around him and cotton wool stuck to his face with cellotape. Behind him I could see opened presents and a large sack that seemed to be moving.

"I hope you have paid your $600 fee for being in here, plus the time spent talking to you. Your Christmas present this year Alex is my legal bill! Mwahahahaa!"

"I've had enough of this Glenn," I said reaching for my Holy Water pistol "take that you fiend!"

"Oooooooooooooooow it burns, it burns! I will see you in court!" he cried, fleeing past me. I examined the sack, finding the 'real' santa bound and gagged sporting a vicious punch mark.

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More polite applause. "How many Santa's did you get?"

"The whole of the Tri State area! Plus I made $600 000 before getting caught!"

The committee looked impressed. "Is there more Glenn?"

"Oh yes... much more..."

Posted by AlexC at November 25, 2005 01:37 PM